inSPOT LA ·> To Tell Or Not To Tell: Advice for Talking about HIV

Whether you’ve been recently diagnosed or have been positive for a while, telling other people that you are HIV-positive is sometimes difficult to do. A lot of men are dealing with whether or not they should disclose their HIV status, and who, how, and when they should tell. Based on some of their thoughts and experiences, the following discussion reflects on a few of the questions you could also face. Every situation is different of course, and there's no right answer. You have to decide what works for you. Once you tell someone, it's a done deal, so it's important you get used to the fact you're HIV-positive first.

WHY SHOULD I TELL ANYONE?
Every complicated decision has its pros and cons. Revealing your HIV status is no exception.

On one hand, you could feel like you're setting yourself up for rejection. But on the other, there could be benefits that aren't immediately obvious. You could feel closer to the people you tell, and they might be grateful for the chance to offer their support.

A lot of men say there's a real link between disclosing their status and feeling good about themselves. They feel less stressed out, they feel better about the sex they have, and they have a stronger sense of their own power. It's not just mental either. These things can directly affect your health, including your HIV progression.

Here are a few questions you could think about before you let someone know you're positive:

Why do I want to tell them?
Why do I feel they need to know?
What are the benefits and disadvantages to telling?
What do I expect from the person I am telling?
What if they don't handle it well?
How will I feel if they tell someone else?
Where can I go for help?

WHO NEEDS TO KNOW?
Once you find out you're positive, you might be looking at everyone in a new way and wondering if they should know.

Guys you've had sex with: If you've recently tested positive, you could be thinking about telling the guys you had sex with before you knew.

There might also be the guys you had sex with after you knew you were positive that you didn't tell either because you were really into them, or you were wasted, or it just never came up. It's not the easiest way to disclose to someone, but it's possible you could find yourself revisiting past situations and thinking about telling those sex partners after-the-fact.

Guys you're going to have sex with: After they test positive, many men wonder if their sex lives are going to be turned upside down or even stop completely. That doesn't have to happen, but you are going to have to deal with the fact you've got HIV whenever you're in a sexual situation. No matter what the context—whether you're about to hook-up/have casual sex with someone or you're thinking maybe you've met your next boyfriend—it's a good thing to be able to navigate the situation with more freedom and less anxiety.

Some guys tell their partners right up front before anything happens. Others let it slide because they think it will destroy the mood. Still others say it makes negotiating sex a whole lot easier. If you want HIV to stop with you, disclosing your status and using condoms are powerful tools to keep from passing the virus to someone else.

Be prepared for any reaction: People can react to disclosure in all kinds of ways. They could get uncomfortable and not know what to do. They might have a hard time dealing with you being positive and get angry or upset. Or, they could let you know it's not even an issue for them. They might even tell you they're positive too. The point is that their reactions are out of your control. Try not to be surprised and give them time to think about what you've just told them.

Rejection never feels good: That's a simple fact. It's human nature to be worried you'll be rejected, especially when you're revealing something as personal as your HIV status. One thing many men say is that the more comfortable they are about being positive, the less they worry about what other people think of them. . If you get a bad reaction after telling someone, and need help right away, you can call California AIDS Hotline at 800-367-AIDS; Mon – Fri 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. (until 9 p.m. Tuesdays) or the AIDS/HIV Nightline, 800-273-AIDS, Mon - Sun from 5 p.m. to 5 a.m.

Do what's right for you: All kinds of people have strong ideas about what you should and shouldn't do, but only you can make the right decisions for yourself. For that reason, you should be clear about what you feel comfortable with. If you haven't thought it through beforehand, you're probably not going to be too clear when you're about to start having sex.

Here are some questions you could think about when you're not in the heat of the moment. And remember, you can be sure you're almost never going to be operating under the same set of assumptions or beliefs as your sex partners are.

What are my limits? What am I comfortable with?
Is it important to tell my partner about my HIV status so he can make his own decisions?
What would I do if someone asked me to bareback?

Some tips for making decisions you feel good about:

Take your time. Give yourself enough time to consider all your options and the consequences of your decisions.
Learn from other people living with HIV. You're not the only person who's had to go through this. Other positive people, either friends or in support groups, can help you understand some of the choices you face.
In the end, it's you who has to live with the decisions you make. Choose an option that feels right for you.

Other people you may want to tell:

Family and close friends: Some people don't tell their families at all because they don't want them to worry or they're afraid of being rejected. But by not telling, you could be cheating yourself out of an important source of love and support.
People you work with: The main thing to know about HIV and the workplace is that you're entitled to protections under federal law. You can't lose your job just because you have HIV. It's also often good to tell your supervisor or a work colleague of your HIV status, since you might need time off for doctor's appointments or other health reasons. And it never hurts to have a supportive colleague or friend in a place where you spend so much of your time.
People you live with: Roommates can see you at your most vulnerable. So even if you're not close, you might ask yourself if it will stress you out more not to disclose your status to your roommates than it would to let them know what's going on.

HOW DO I DO IT?
It's not easy to tell someone you're positive, so some guys rely on nonverbal ways to do it, like leaving their meds out for people to see. Other guys assume that no mention of status at all is actually a way of disclosing. But most men say that if they really want someone to know, they prefer to be direct. That way, there's no confusion.

No stock phrase works in every context, and you'll have to decide what's the least awkward place—in the bar or in bed—but here are a few examples of what some guys have said in different situations.

Just found out you're positive: "I just found out I'm HIV positive, and I thought you should know."
After partying: "I was really drunk/high when we had sex, and I don't remember if we talked about HIV, but I wanted you to know I'm positive."
After unprotected sex: "I was really turned on and didn't know how to say it, but I wanted you to know that I'm HIV positive."
On a date: "I've been worried about how to bring it up, but I want to be honest and tell you I'm HIV positive."

This website of course offers a way to tell your partners and hook-ups using an ecard. For other ideas and services to help you tell your partners, see Tips for Telling Your Partners.